I Have
by Sakura's Shadows
Summary: Kenshin gets a fever and dreams of his past. He dreams of that one snowy day, when that one perosn who he loved let death claim her in his arms. Kaoru gives a prayer to the one whom she doesn't know in Kyoto.


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I Have**

**By: Miss Racoon Kaoru**

**Type: One-shot**

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Blood......sword clashes......Death.....Tomoe....It was was once a burden for him to carry. 

Battousi.......

-

Tears...Love.....A family.....Kaoru......He lives for this now.

Kenshin

-

I laid my head down thinking of the passages I read from the letter, oh, so long ago. It has seemed to have been so long since I thought of her, thought of how much she had really meant to me in those days during the bloodshed that brought us this new era.

Why can life be such a burden?

Tomoe.....

-

Twitters of the spring birds filled the whole dojo, the songs seemed to have been played from a piccolo. I sat up, groggily rubbing my face with one hand while stretching the length of my body into the air. Oh, how good to stretch weary limbs after a long night's sleep. Sun seeped through the loosened bamboo blinds on my window catching particles of dust that floated in the invisible air. It seem to have gone away a few times. Perhaps it was just a cloud floating carelessly in the sky like it had a mind of its own. I scratched the mane of red hair on my shoulder, ignoring a sudden sense of dizziness in my head. The laundry was to be done so I had to stop dawdling so I could do it.

I looked at the sliding door at the left wall of my room when I felt the presence of Kaoru behind it. Her hand seemed to have been lingering in the air. My hand quickly grabbed my black hair tie at the top of my futon and tied my hair back, which was hard due to it hasn't been combed in hours. Kaoru knocked, making the paper door rattle. It seemed to have caused a great pain in my ears. For some reason I wasn't feeling up to do anything but lie down. My head seemed to feel very light and warm as though I were high in the air.

But no time to complain about myself. Standing, I tightened my yukata sash and adjusted my hair a bit more, rubbing a few beads of cold sweat off my face. Another slight knock at the shoji. A few drunken steps came from me as walked the two feet to the door and weakly slid it open.

There she was as dazzling as ever. Big, happy azure eyes but there was a somber smile on her wry face. What she wore seemed more brighter than usual: a white kimono with a purple shawl hanging delicately form her elbows. Hair was tied back around her shoulder blades, making a a few stray strands frame her delicate face. Why that outfit reminded me of...

"Tomoe..." I mumbled involuntarily.

Kaoru tilted her head and furrowed her eye brows in confusion and question. Her hands were gripped tightly together at the front of her body.

My eyes seemed to come a trance she cast me into when I looked at her. She looked exactly like Tomoe. The only difference were the eyes......

-

The wooden stove blazed with a small fire as I cooked the rice balls to a golden crisp. The inviting smells entered my nose and I smiled big at the fumes. They were almost enchanting. I took them out of the pot and wrapped the bottom with some fresh, green seaweed. Next I laid all ten on a wooden tray that was on the counter in two rows vertically. Sano and Yahiko were laughing heartily as I walked to the dining area and laid the steaming rice balls on the low risen table. Kaoru was staring at me with her eyes, making me feel a little uneasy.

Why was she staring so much?

Just then I felt the most faintest tug on my sleeve. It was her... I lowered myself with my legs tucked under me and my hands wandering any where. Her hand lingered on the magenta gi sleeve as she locked eyes with me.

"M-miss Kaoru is there anything I can get for you?" I asked, grinning at her.

She bowed her head and shook it.

"No..." She murmured.

Her soft hand reached my face. It felt so cold and inviting I wanted her to keep it there. She moved it so her palm cupped the scared cheek. I felt a little uneasy at her touch. Why was she doing that? A sympathetic smile entered her gentle face.

"Kenshin you have a cold sweat and a fever. You're not in any condition to get anyone anything!" She frowned.

"Oro...but Miss--"

"No buts Kenshin! Bed this instant!"

"Miss Kaoru--"

"Go. I'll be there in just a second with cold water and some elixir. If it gets worse I'm calling Megumi now go!" she pointed to my room, "Oh, and untie your gi. You left the string in it."

I looked at my gi sheepishly. How could forget to do that...?

-

_"Kenshin?"_

_"Yes Miss Kaoru?" _

_I blinked my wide eyes a few times, turning my head slightly to the young woman._ _She was leaning on the wooden rail of the bridge, silken hair being tugged at by the gentle breeze that blew. The running river was below us, letting the blueness of it cast certain people into a reminiscing state. I watched as a bright yellow leaf fell into the clam river, sending small ripples through out the waters. Kaoru moved nearer to me and brought her right hand under her chin._

_"I was just wondering what it'd be like if one could fly."_

_I thought for a moment. What a statement. What would it be like to fly like a bird? Just to fly and let all your troubles be carried away by a breath of the wind. I closed my eyes pondering a bit. Feeling Kaoru turning, I opened me left eye only to see her looking up at the sky pondering her statement as well._

_I decided to talk. _

_"I suppose it would be a grand thing Miss Kaoru..." I trailed off._

_"Yes. But how grand?" She inquired. _

_She faced me now, waiting for my answer with the anticipation of a child. I chuckled and looked at the river. Birds flew in the sky. Perhaps the birds were flying south for the winter. The water sort of distorted their image, but it was something that could help answer the question. _

_"To fly in the air without a care for the world below and to let all of your troubles float away in the breath of the wind. That's how grand I think it is , that I do..." I explained._

_She looked at me for a moment. I felt her eyes travel to my scar. They lingered there for a moment, making me feel uneasy as I stared at the river._

_"That scar..." She stated, trailing off as a hard rush of wind blew._

_It sent my hair flowing wild and, my gi to fly about my small frame. Kaoru shielded her face from the wind. It blew her long kimono sleeves about. It was like that scar was they power of the strong wind. Soon it died down. Leaves were scattered about the bridge, being crushed under the geta that clad Kaoaru's feet._

_She was reluctant to speak. I could feel that she was nervous to go on with her statement. Perhaps she was afraid to bring back the memories of my past? I kept my narrowing eyes on the river. Battousi was trying really hard to break free. All my power was being used to hold him back._

_"That scar is a reminder of my bloody past, that it is." I simply stated, backing away from the railing._

_I tucked right hand in the sleeve of my gi and took my left hand and placed on the hilt of my sword, changing eyes were hidden under neith my messy hair. Kaoru watched the whole time. We were silence for quite some time. It was only the river, twittering birds, and chattering people who came across the bridge from time to time that made any noise. Every Passerby would stare at me and Kaoru and whisper rumor that were mostly about me. I felt the muscles tense on my back and it made me frown. Kaoru was just staring at me with her curious gaze trying to break through my bangs._

_She put her hand out and stepped to me. I put my right leg back. I felt myself struggling with my good side and the Battousi. My hand tightened on the hilt of sword, making it put more weight on me. With each step Kaoru took forward I stepped back, only to be stopped by the railings of the bridge. Battousi had fully emerged now, glaring at the shiny metal of my sword. I tried so hard not to let this happen._

_Kaoru gazed up quickly when she heard the noise of a sword being popped out of its sheath._

_"K-Kenshin what are...."_

_She stopped, dead in her tracks, eyes wide in fear, delicate hands shaking, at the site of my fury eyes. Narrow with a flaming amber in them. Just for a a split second I got control. I could feel my eyes change to a big and wide state._

_"Miss Kaoru I can't control the Battousi! He's trying to come out and do something. Miss Kaoru you must run now. Go back to the dojo. Get away from me."_

_I dropped to my knees letting the sword fall out of it's sheath. Kaoru was dead in fear. Her mouth was ajar, gaping at me struggling with my inner self._

_"Kenshin!"_

-

I sprang up, head colliding with hers.

"Ouch! Kenshin I---"

I hugged her.....I hugged making her go into a slight shock. Her body was rigid with my grip. It was gentle but it had such a firmness. She still had on that kimono...

"Kenshin..." She whispered.

It was such a soft whisper. I barely heard it. Nonetheless it echoed in my ears like the clash of metal to metal, sword to sword.

"Kaoru..."

I laid my head on her shoulder. She did the same, dropping the cold towel on the futon.

-

"Kaoru what is wrong with me?..."

I felt so bad, so sick and feeble. It was like the slightest touch would break me. I could hear Kaoru talking with Miss Megumi outside of my shoji. They were talking of me. Was I really that bad sick? I wanted to get up but my body felt like a ton of bricks. It was so hard just to move my eyes.

It was now dark. The sun had set and I could see the crescent moon hanging in the the sky with diamonds of stars hanging around it. My eyes set back to the ceiling. How tired I was. I felt so tired.

The shoji snapped open and in walked Megumi, Kaoru coming right behind her.

I looked at Megumi. What natural beauty she had. Her face was painted white with red blush and cherry lip paint on her full lips. Her eyes were narrow and delicate along with her eyebrows. Kaoru was even more radiant. She had no make-up. Her lips were just a natural pink with high, delicate cheek bones...

Tomoe....

"Sir Ken how are you feeling?" Megumi inquired in such a caring voice.

She was beside the futon by my waist. Kaoru sat at the head of the futon. Perhaps she did not want me to look at her? But why?

"Miss Megumi please do not trouble yourself with my needs. I'll be fine, that I will. Miss Kaoru also needs to not worry. I'll be fine. Please it looks late just go and rest a--" I couldn't finish.

I felt her finger on my lip. It was so soft and warm...

"Kenshin please just don't. Okay?"

I smiled like always.

"Miss Kaoru..."

"Sir Ken can you lift yourself up into a sitting position. I need to give you some elixir for your fever."

Megumi held the bottle in her hand, shaking it a bit.

I shook my head.

"Miss Megumi I thank you but--"

"Kenshin! Can sit up or do I have to raise your head?"

I closed my eyes and sighed. They weren't going to take no for an answer. I just gave into their order.

"I can't move my body. But please--"

"Alright Kaoru lift his head up then." Megumi ordered the young woman.

I felt her hand go gently under my head and lifted up my head. Megumi put the medicine in my mouth and I was knocked out, so to speak, almost immediately

-

_Snow....It's snowing and she's down in my arms spewing out blood by the gallons, her pure white kimono become red with it. She held out a dagger in her hand, cutting at my face, mouthing words I couldn't hear. The wind whipped my flaming red hair around my face. I felt my body start to shake and my eyes fill with unwanted tears. Why do I cry for one who never loved me in the star. One who only loved me when she knew the real. She was one who I called a false lover even though I loved her every single moment. She's the one I'll love until my very end._

_I felt the wind make my breath dry as cried silently. Only fifteen and I've seen so much. So much...blood...caused by MY sword. How do I keep living to this very day? Perhaps maybe it was her. My sweet. She saved me from becoming a blood thirsty demon for the rest of my years in this world. Our fates were tied together when this all started and now they will perish. My fate is so unclear. I just can't believe her fate was ending at this very moment in my arms._

_An image passed through my closed eyes. It was of her face. She was smiling at me. Her smile lighted up her whole delicate face. It looked so fragile, like the slightest touch would make it crumple. It was like a porcelain doll, white and smooth. Her face was flawless. It was the face of an angel; my angel._

_"Tomoe..." I felt myself say as she cut the shape of a cross on my face._

_Bitter words came through her mouth as she threw the dagger to the ground. I looked at her face. It looked so calm...so peaceful. Tears came from my face one at a time, getting faster each second. _

_"Why must death claim the ones I love?..." I sobbed and looked out a head of me. _

_The snow that was not tainted from my loves blood sparkled like the diamond-like stars in the sky. I put my hand to my cheek, palm smearing over the blood. I look at my hand, staring as if I were in shock. My eyes wander to the dagger that was getting cover by a fresh layer of snow. Her blood stained my hands. The blood of th first person that ever except the most fared man in all of Japan, who's name would strike fear into the strongest of samurai, who name made a cat's back arch. _

_**Crunch....crunch....crunch**_

_A person... Who would be out in such weather. I peaked over my shoulder and saw the figure of a young woman who reminded me much of Tomoe. She was clad in the most elegant of kimonos. It was pure red with gold trimming and a black obi tied ever so elegantly in the back. Cranes littered the bottom of it, silhouetted in black. Her hair was tied up in a golden ribbon made of the finest silk in all the land. Her face was delicate, no make-up or jewelry, just all of her natural beauty. _

_I stood as I looked at my surroundings. I was no longer holding Tomoe in my arms no was there coming from the new cut on my face. My whit hakama was cleaned so was my navy gi. Everything around me was black. It was all the color of my heart. The only light was from the radiant woman. She looked at me with the most gentle look I've ever seen. There was compassion in her eyes. What story comes with this girl?_

_"I-I..." I was at a loss for words._

_She just stood there staring at me, I felt my heart begin to race and then she spoke only a few words._

_"Let not the world from whence you are make who you who you do not want to be. Let your mind make who you are." She said._

_Her voice was clear. It was so soft and sweet like the note of a flute. She smiled and did a customary bow. I bowed back nd she turned to leave. I put out my hand out to her and she stopped, but never turned to face me._

_"Wait!" I yelled._

_It shatter the searing silence that was in this dark place. The yelled echoed until it only;y became a mere whisper in my head._

_"Who are you?" I inquired in such a soft voice._

_"You'll see." She whispered._

_She turned and smiled, bowing one last time. _

_"You'll see?" I whispered to my self._

_Her figure disappeared. _

_-_

That was when I woke up. I the my covers off of me and ran to the shoji, breathing hard. What kind of dream was that. I put my hand on the shoji and slid it open to reveal Kaoru. Her sleeping yukata was still looking like she had just put it on. Her long ebony hair was tied in the braid that was set on her left shoulder. She looked so beautiful. Wait! Kaoru looks like....

"The Woman from my dream." I whispered into the dark hall.

She stood right in front of with furrowed eyebrows. Her hands were fold tightly together in front of her body.

"Kenshin what woman? Are you alright? I came in here to check on you sounded like you talking in your sleep." She explained.

"It's nothing Miss Kaoru. Go back your room and get some sleep. It's late." I suggested.

She nodded and bowed. I watched her as she left.

Kaoru has always been there through the trails of my life since I have became a wanderer. I sought an answer to my loneliness and I found her. The one who excepted me into her house. She gave me place to live and didn't think twice about my past.

"Thank You Miss Kaoru." I whispered.

I shut the shoji and looked out the window at the crescent moon hanging in the sky.

"Thanks so much."

**A Few Weeks Later**

I leaned my head on the wooden pillar, foot swinging over the edge of the veranda, eyes closed think ing of her, hands folded in my lap. My body didn't move an inch. After being sick in bed for a whole three weeks made you lazy. I was finally all better but had to wait a day before I could start doing my chores. I miss the smell of the laundry soap and the birds over my head. Oh, how I miss the gentle breaths of wind that would tug at my hair.

"Hey Kenshin!" Sano yelled from the entrance gate.

I opened an eye and smiled at my dear friend Sanosuke Sagara. As usual he was dressed in his trademark jacket with the symbol "aku" (evil) painted on the back of it. It brought me back to the days when he was a member of the sakihoti, a false imperial group.He was waving and eating a piece of fish at the same time...How goofy can one be?

A small wind picked up blowing his red head scarf in the breeze. Sano ran to me and sat on the veranda. His chewing was nerve racking but I dare not say. He could give me quite the whopping, so I just smiled politely and waited patiently for him to quit eating.

"What brings you Sano?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"I only have a few minutes..." He said in between chews.

"Okay, Is there anything wrong Sano. If there is I'll help the..." I was interrupted.

"AHHHHHH!" Sano screamed when he saw a fury eyed woman by the gate.

My eyes got as round as saucers when a flying pan hit me while sano hid behind me.

"Oro!!" I yelped and fell backwards.

"Missy look what you-" Sano was interrupted by Kaoru.

"GIVE ME BACK MY FISH YOU BUM!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs.

My eardrums almost busted at the yell. What a woman. One minute she so calm and collect and the next she a raging madhouse! I could feel a lump growing on my head but I managed to stand and walk to Kaoru. I put my hands on her shoulders. She was breathing so hard from anger, teeth cringed, hands curled in tight fists, veins popping out of her head. Oh, Sano was in for it. Kaoru was angry!

"Now now Miss Kaoru." I smiled and dropped my hands off her shoulders.

She gave me a death glare that sent the hairs on my neck straight up. She's more scarier when she's like this than the man slayers of the Revolution.

"Kenshin move right now. That bum STOLE my fish I was COOKING for OUR lunch!" Kaoru said through cringed teeth.

"Missy, for once your cooking tastes eatable!" Sano teased.

Kaoru tensed up more and ran past me. I fell on he grass in a heap.

Sano ran for his life only to trip on a rock in hidden in the green grass. I almost couldn't hold in a chuckle when Kaoru pounced on him and punched him silly.

"I'm sorry Kenshin. Lunch is ruined for us. I told Sano to stay away from the food but..." She sighed and folded her long arms on her small chest.

"It's alright Miss Kaoru, that it is. We can go out and eat, that we can!" I sugested.

She smiled in turn, giving me a nod. I watched her while dusting off my gi and hakama. Her eyes glittered as she watched me. It was like she was in a small trance. I felt unease, having her do that. A small blush tainted her cheeks when she realized she was watching. That made me smile. Such innocents in her...

"I'll go get ready then." She said quickly and was off.

I stood there and stared at sano who was rubbing the new lumps on his head.

"Yeesh, Missy needs to cool it." Sano groaned.

"Perhaps you wouldn't have gotten beat up if you didn't steal her fish Sano." I suggested.

Sano glared at me with narrow brown eyes. He ran a hand through his silken brown hair and sat on the veranda.

"Who knew a woman could have such strength. Your lucky Kenshin!" Sano winked at me.

I felt the heat rising to my cheeks. Sweat was forming on my forehead and my heart started to speed up at the thought.

"Oro..."

"You know and the whole world knows it."

"Sano..."

-

I looked out the small large window that was by Kaoru's and my booth in the Ackabecko. Many people were out shopping to survive another day. Some were running around with their new bought items in hand. Little children laughed and played in the streets while their mother gossiped to other mothers. People were just going to work and some were coming home. Tokyo is just such a busy town. It much different than Kyoto. That is when I saw it last. I've not been back since the battle with Shishou.The town was still a ghost town then. Who knows, maybe everything has gone back to it's peaceful ways. Maybe shops have reopened and children can walk in the streets as they do here without having to worry of a sword blade in their back. Mothers are probably not being killed in front of there eyes as they sit helpless on the floor crying. I hope it has become just like Tokyo.

"Kenshin what are you thinking of?" Kaoru inquired.

I snapped out of my trance of the bloody day of the Revolution. She looked me, persistent for and answer. I put my hand behind my head and kind of chuckled to cover up my true mood.

"It's nothing. I was just thinking on some stuff, that I was." I replied, giving nervous laughter.

She put her brown cup down on the table and sighed. I could tell she had a question but was reluctant to speak it aloud.

"What's is your question Miss Kaoru?" I asked, smiling

I held my drink to my face, inhaling the warmth of the green tea.

"Um, I really--I mean I..."She mumbled.

I furrowed me eyebrow sitting the cup on the table, my hand didn't move from it. She was stuttering. Why would one like Kaoru be nervous?

"Go ahead Miss Kaoru. there is no need to be nervous that there isn't." I said.

She nodded and put her hands under the table. I could tell she was struggling with herself to bring out the question. I nudged my head forward. Kaoru picked up her chopstick and played with her steaming soup, swirling like a mixer in the bowl.

"I was wondering about Tomoe? You remember saying that to me the day you got sick don't you?" She inquired and shut her eyes.

"Tomoe..."I whispered and put my hands on me lap.

I looked out the window envisioning her smile. Her last smile...

"Yes who was she? a friend you met while you traveled?" She inquired, enthusiastically, hoping maybe I would say yes.

"No... She was....my first lover. My wife Tomoe Himura. I killed her with my own two hands." I closed my eyes and watched the memories play in my head.

I heard the shattering of a glass and I peer at Kaoru. Here eyes were big, like she had seen a ghost. She was hurt, she was hurt that I had kept it from her... I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Tomoe was the one who saved me from being a blood thirsty demon Miss Kaoru. f it weren't for her I never would've met you Miss Kaoru." I whispered.

I gave a small smile and I peered thought my sloppy bans at her. Her bangs shield her eyes from my view. It was not intended for this lunch date to be ruined by me...

"Where is she now? I mean, where is she buried? I would like to thank Miss Tomoe." She inquired, in an upbeat voice.

"In Kyoto..."

-

**Kaoru's prayer To Himura Tomoe**

Miss Tomoe I don't really have nothing to say but thanks. Thanks for leading Kenshin to me. Thanks for giving me one who would comfort me and protect me as if I were his flesh and blood. Kenshin is a special man and I'll do everything in my power to make sure he is happy. I'll make his face light up with a smile worth a million yen. Miss Tomoe you made sure Kenshin was secure and at calm with hisself. I'll make sure to do the same. I know Kenshin will never love me as he did you and I won't have the same place in his heart as you did but...I love him... Miss Tomoe I thank you for leaving Kenshin to me.

A men

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_**The End**_

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_**A/n: Sorry if it seemed confusing. I may have some facts wrong as well. I'm sorry if I do. I worked a whole two weeks on it. I still may have errors I missed. But the outcome was what I expected. Maybe a bit too long for a one-shot but... hey this is only my second story. I think I had sakihoti spelled wrong. I tried to look it up but I failed. More to come soon. See what they are in my profile! I'm also making a Cristmas fic called A Laugh in the Wind. It'll be sad. I seem to be doing alot of sad fics....Well until next time!**_

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_**Chow**_

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